grandmafupa:

Painfully average looking with a great sense of humor and always down to get drunk

frickin-plot-twist:

*violently refreshes your blog until you answer my anon message* 

soufflesandbowties:

50% of my jokes are self deprecating and 50% are self congratulatory like i’ll say “wow its hot in here…. just like me” and 5 seconds later point at a trash can and say “me”

rodham-clinton:

really all you need to know about the american health care system is that there’s a popular tv series where a man turns to cooking industrial quantities of crystal meth in order to pay his hospital bills

ocevns:

6-packs:

ocevns:

america is like the popular girl in school: everyone talks shit about her behind her back, but as soon as she talks to them, everyone pretends they love her because they know they’ll be cooler and get invited to parties

and then canada is like america’s best friend, who’s like the uglier version of her, but all the other kids think she’s way nicer

mexico is like the weird kid who keeps trying to get really close to america to smell her hair